So, if you’re on Instagram, you will have no doubt heard about The Body Coach. You know the cockney, curly haired absolute sort that screams about midget trees and getting ‘Uncle B…IN THE MIKE’…all whilst handily not wearing many clothes. Decent marketing tool that, not going to lie. He sings songs off his balcony and makes you feel that by clicking ‘like’ on his photo, you too can be a lean winner!
Well to be honest, after seeing the mouth dropping transformations of people in as little as 4 weeks I bit the bullet, decided to get my fat arse into action and sign up. I’m a week in, and I forgot the challenges a cake lover faces when starting a new diet….sorry change of lifestyle!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s working and I can feel the difference already & will 100% be keeping it up, but this blog is here just to highlight the challenges we all come across when trying to start being healthy.
The Devils of Starting A Diet.
– The sadness you feel when you look at your hand and your mochachocawhoppa has been replaced with swamp juice. See above.
– The moment it dawns on you how many calories actually are in a gin and tonic. And you work that out compared to how many calories you burn per ten minutes on a treadmill. And then you realise that to undo your Friday night out, you basically need to run to Aberdeen.
– How snappy you become when someone dare ask you if you want sugar in your tea. Erm…sorry. Did you not hear me tell you, in depth, about how long I spent in the kitchen preparing my weeks meals. LIKE HELL DO I WANT A SUGAR.
– The resentment you feel towards an apple. You cut your eye at that poor little thing that it’s Dawn McCready in Year 9 French who just got caught snogging your boyfriend. Death. Stare.
– How much your increased water intake makes you pee. Like, sorry, am I 8 months pregnant all of a sudden?
– When you start to feel like the Dominos adverts on TV are actually out to taunt you to the point that you start drafting a letter to OfCom…before you realise that you’re being irrational because your ten minutes too late eating your 12 unsalted cashew nuts and the hunger is making you bat shit crazy.
– How happy you get when you leave the gym. Not because of the endorphines. But because of the fact that you can go home and put your face in some carbs.
– The joys you get from having a protein shake. Because you’ve warped your own mind so much that you’ve convince yourself it’s a McDonalds milkshake.
– Talking of the golden arches, the things you do when people mention even a hint of a Big Mac. I kid you not, a poor woman in WHSmith’s gave me a book of vouchers last week to get money off in Maccys and I nearly suckerpunched her square in the head because she was obviously so outrageous to just do her job when I had not eaten bread in four days.
I told you…
– How much more you hate the girl at work who eats what she wants and never gains weight. I mean, let’s be honest, two weeks ago she was on the shit list but as this stage you are about to unleash all hell on the poor skinny cow.
– How many phone screens you get through because you throw your phone at a wall every time Mr Papa John texts you. Stick your 2or1 up your arse Papa J.
– How unfit you realise you are when you go on your first run and feel like you’re going to cough up blood. Ever so attractive.
& last but not least
– When you try to weigh up how bad being larger than you want to be really is…
… Whilst you lick a donut and stick your finger up a the yoga panted woman staring at the avacodos.