Ah Croydon boys. You’ve got to love ’em. They are a law unto themselves and a real individual breed.
However, if you’re not used to them (or you aren’t from Croydon), they can take some adjustment. And if you’re dating them, even more so.
So here’s a little fail safe checklist of things you need know if you’re going out with a bloke from The Cronx.
- You’ll never mean more to them than Palace do.
Until he’s ready to marry you. And then you’ll be on an even footing with the Red & Blue army. Before this point, don’t you even dare try and suggest that he sacks off a home game to ‘spend quality time’ with you. He won’t. And he’ll hate you a bit for it.
- If you can’t get hold of him for any reason, but need to talk to him urgently, just try walking into Riley’s.
He’s probably there. Taking pool ever so seriously. And ignoring his phone.
- He’ll probably still live at home.
At least until he’s about 25/26 anyway. Because he was born in Croydon, he’ll die in Croydon and in between times staying at his Mum’s is cheap as chips and he still gets his washing done. She’ll be quite accustomed to making two bacon sandwiches on a Sunday morning for his lady friend ‘he met in the pub’.
- Ask him what he did for a Saturday job as a kid.
He either worked in Sainsbury’s (probably Selhurst Park to be nearer Palace) or in any one of the 18 phone shops in the Whitgift Centre. He probably still knows a bloke that knows a bloke that works in one so will hook you up with a good phone contract.
- He’ll know a lot of ‘blokes that know blokes’
Who will be able to get their hands on anything from trainers to 50″ TV’s to joints of meat.
Don’t ask any questions. Just leave it. Relish in the cheap nature of your Sunday lunch.
- He’ll wear a long-sleeved Ralph Lauren polo shirt on at least two of your first four dates.
Smart Cas, mate. Smart Cas.
- His first date suggestions with either be The Treehouse (esp in the winter and the fire’s on), going out in Wimbledon (fancy init) or going to Westow House in Palace. Standard Croydon boy chirps.
- Getting him in a pair of shoes will be like pulling teeth.
If he can’t wear his trainers to the pub, like fuck is he going. He’ll wear shoes when taking you for a nice dinner. Or to a funeral. That’ll be all.
- Talking of which, he’ll often offer to ‘take you for a bitta dinner’.
Not ask you if you’d like to go for a meal, or try out this new restaurant he’s heard about. Bitta dinner it is. And that could be anywhere from the Savoy to Mexican Monday’s in Spoons.
Bitta dinner babe.
- He’ll have grown up drinking in Blue Orchid and Lloyds No 1 Bar which means his ability to down a Smirnoff Ice is world record breaking.
- He’ll also know every UK Garage song that was ever released from nights like this. If you want a laugh, watch him sing all the words to an Artful Dodger track one of these days. Quite heart warming.
- Due to the savage nature of his early life drinking habits, he’ll be able to back Jager-Bombs like there’s no tomorrow.
Don’t think this makes him a functioning alcoholic, he’s got a decent job and a nice car babes, he just learnt to drink shots like a champ in Walkabout.
- Don’t get offended if you’re doing a ‘bitta shopping’ in the Whitgift Centre and a few girls pass him and smile/smirk/hurl abuse at hi.
It’s Croydon. Everyone’s slept with everyone.
- He’ll go out on what you might class as a ‘lad’s night’ about three times a week. Because all of his mate he’s known since he was 16. And they live down the road. So they just go out – all. the. time. And get carried away. And forget to come home.
- If you ever see his year book from school, he will look a reject from Blazin’ Squad. Don’t dump him for it. He was young, and naïve, and at the time having tram tracks shaved into your head was the done thing.
- He also would have had a moped. Or a a Ford Escort. Or a Ford Fiesta. Or a shitty old Golf the minute he turned legal.
If he had any of the latter 3 he probably lost his virginity in it. If he had a moped he probably tried to loose his virginity up against it.
- He also probably had a ‘tag’.
No, not an electronic tag (although, not completely unfeasible) but like a tag that he would graffiti on his school books. Or on his pencil case. Or on like, trains.
- He will call everyone babe.
Not just you. His mum, his boss, his dog, the postman. Everyone is babe. It doesn’t mean he fancies them more than you. It’s just a natural filler for him.
- You know you’re special if he’s got another nickname for you. Croydon boy’s love a nickname.
Bubs, Moosh, Treacle. Pumpkin. Those ones will be saved just for you.
- Talking of natural fillers.
Fuck is also one. They just say fuck like there’s no tomorrow. They often just say it to fill a silence.
- He will have got stoned in South Norwood lakes as a teenager.
It’s like a Croydon rite of passage.
- If you want a laugh ask him if he ever owned an Avirex jacket as a teenager.
Go on. Ask him. See his face. Ha.
- Also ask him how many times a week he goes to the chicken shop and/ or Nandos.
Double whatever his response is to get the actual truth. If you learn nothing else from this list, learn that they love a bitta chicken.
- Sometimes they revert back to being a teenager.
And try and get you to go Valley Park for a date night. ‘But babe, we can go Frankie & Bennies and go to the pictures’. Except it isn’t a fancy Warner Bros. cinema is it anymore? And basically you want to take me for dinner on an industrial estate, babe. Nah.
25. Make sure you never slag Croydon of in front of them.
They are loud and proud about The Cronx. Don’t ever let them hear you rinsing it. Or they’ll never take you for a bitta dinner again.