So in amongst shortened ties and a mild obsession with Sabrina The Teenage Witch, a lot of shit went down in the 00’s.
And if you were at school in the 00’s you will know so many of these things to be true.
- MSN was the centre of the universe.
You longed for that bit of the night when your Mum didn’t need the phone anymore so you could ‘sign on’ and chat shit to the boy in the year above that would blank you in the flesh for a good six months.
- Your MSN status was the only place to convey any real emotion.
Like, everyone needed to know how you were feeling with a well selected Usher lyric.
- Your D&T folder was the only place to express any kind of personality.
If you had pictures of Slipknot on it, people expected you to grow a long dark fringe, emo out and allude to the fact you smoked shit loads of pot. If it had pictures of B2K and the Louis Vuitton logo on it, people expected you to be a bit of a slag. Let’s be real. I, for one, got Jack Moorcroft to graff on mine with his large selection of Sharpies. Cos, I was hood.
- You would spend hours trying to learn how to ‘heel toe’.
Because if you couldn’t ‘heel toe’, your life was basically not worth living. You mean you still don’t know how to? Get out.
- There was a boy in your class who would organise raves to earn extra cash.
You would go. They would get stormed by a gang of some sort (if you’re from Croydon it would have been Gipset) Someone would have got robbed. You’d all be home by ten. Scared shitless.
- There was always a girl in your year who flashed on webcam to someone on a Tuesday night after school.
Nobody spoke to her by Thursday morning break.
- SIMS was life.
And if you didn’t know the cheat to make them super rich & buy them all of the hot tubs, you were an absolute wasteman. #rosebud
- You always made your SIMS have sex.
Because your dial up internet made accessing porn a real hardship.
- You understand the struggles of dial up internet.
And how long Google Images used to take to load back in the day. Especially the ones that had boobs in
- You really feel that 8701 spoke to you on so many different levels.
Confessions even more so, because by that age you were going through your first ever break up. True story: boy in my year split up with a girl once by texting her the lyrics from Confessions. In the days before free texts. Must have cost him like 40p.
- Basically, Usher was everything. To everyone.
You understand the struggles of having to survive on £10 credit for like a month.
- Sticky Back plastic played a massive role in your life.
Because you needed to secure the pictures of Usher on your English Literature book.
- If you heard ‘Kick’ now…
you’d almost definitely start looking round for your 3210.
- You understand the true agony of having to pick just ten text messages to keep on your phone.
- You’ve never known artistic talent like being able to draw a sexual act with characters from your keyboard on your shitty Nokia.
- Everything you know about sex came from watching MTV Base.
Which is just great.
- You have early onset arthritis from years of playing Snake.
- These pencil cases tho….
- Life has never been the same since you stopped using glittery gel pens to write EVERYTHING.
Remember when they released the smelly ones? And you were like ‘Oh my god, my coursework smells like blueberries’.
- When the Ja Rule Pain is Love album was released, you saw a real upsurge in 15 year old boys trying to get laid.
- Likewise when So Solid Crew’s album was released you a saw a real upsurge in near death fights happening in your Sport’s Hall.
- You first got shitfaced on a peach Bacardi Breezer. And it was the worst.
- You actually had a MySpace. And you used it. What for? Still nobody knows.
- If you owned a CD burner on your old school PC you were a don.
Because you basically made a killing reselling burnt copies of Pain is Love and 8701. Baller.