I’ve had a day off work (one of 5 before the new job starts so let’s have a party about that) and it’s been one of them days where I wanted to feel good. Starting a new job next week & I fancied a bit of an overhaul.
So I did the whole hair dye, leg shave, spray tan routine that costs us a mere £20 but makes us feel a million dollars. On the way back from The Tanning Shop with no bra on (because we all know the kinds of streaks I’d be contending with if I wore one) it dawned on me that there are many a thing us girls do that blokes have little to no clue about.
So here’s a quick Monday list for you. Things such as;
- Let’s start with the brave walk home from the tanning shop that we have to do commando. Yep, if you see a girl come out of one of them places they are wearing not a stitch of underwear. Fact. We then go home and sit on and sleep between old towels so we don’t ruin every bit of fabric for 6-10 hours whilst the mahogany tone sets in. All for a glow. All that, for a little bit of a glow.
- Spend around 15 minutes a week getting rid of any sign of dead skin on our feet. Because if blokes see a girl with a dry foot in a sandal they are ever so judged for being crusty. You lot however can bowl round with your butters toes in a Haviana and none of us can mention it….hmmm.
- Perform acrobats when shaving. Legs over your head in the shower so you can get right to the very top of your leg? Yep it’s like a really shit Karma Sutra move. Any idea how near a fatal accident we’ve all had when hair removing?! It’s a dangerous game.
- Make ourselves cry from plucking our upper lips. Oh. Sweet. Mary. Mother. Of. Christ.
- Eat biscuits in secret. So that nobody knows that we polished off 7. They think we just had 3.
- Have to deal with boob sweat. In the gym. Or when walking home. Or just in general. It’s horrendous.
- Fart in secret. Sometimes, when we don’t know you that well, we run the tap in the bathroom if we need to pass lady wind. True story.
- Genuinely believe we are Adele when we are home alone. Sometimes we even do the actions from the video in front of the mirror when we are getting ready for work. True shit.
- Start thinking about Christmas presents in October. Start wrapping them in November. Be a little bit upset with you when we see you walk through the door the day before Christmas Eve with ours.
- Re-clean parts of the house you’ve already cleaned when you’re not in. Because we’re just better at it than you are.
- Deal with becoming twice our normal size every, single, month. You think it’s just 3 days of bleeding when mother nature calls. Or 3 days of no nookie?! Uh-huh. It’s about a week of bloating, sweating, spots and eating like a pregnant horse. Then a day of back pain. 3 days of cramps and needing to be within a foot of a toilet. Then three more days of post-period food intake guilt because we were needy and ordered all of the Dominos. It’s a long arse process.
- Keep a constant eye on our nether regions to ensure they are in decent order. Deal with a stranger applying hot wax to said area when it needs sorting out. Having to get in the shower after a wax and wanting to weep when that water hits our hot, hot skin.
- Carry round the equivalent weight of a suitcase on our arms every single day. So that we are always in reach of perfume, deodrant, fresh knickers, tissues, make up and baby wipes incase anything, anything at all might happen that might make us feel rank/look rank/be rank.
& my favourite one that few of us admit to, but you should probably all know about.
14. Get up about 15 minutes before you when you’re first dating. Brush our teeth, cream our face and have a spray of deodrant before getting back into bed. So that when you wake up you don’t have the fright of your life and run away. Such Skills.