It’s not like it is in the films

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This week I finished reading Ben Elton’s ‘Popcorn’. For those of you that haven’t read it, it centres around a couple that go on a killing spree after being ‘inspired’ to do so by a Hollywood blockbuster.

The book focuses on how real life events would play out on the big screen. And it got me thinking how different things are played out in films and on the tele box. You know, how they never actually depict real life. Ever. At all. And how much more fun it would be if they did.

Circumstances such as.


Film version –

Expertly delivered one liners that completely sum up the way you’ve been feeling for a week and exactly what you think of the person on the end of your wrath. Powerful. Poignant. And normally finished off with you being able to turn on your £450 heels and walk away leaving the other person feeling small and reflective.

Real life –

‘You’re just a fucking fuck face’…storm out, trip over some washing that you left on the floor. Probably cry a bit. Say fuck some more. Keeping it real cool.

Confessions of love. 

Film version –

It’s just, it’s always been you. Your my morning, my night, I love you.

*to the sound of harp music, probably in the snow or near some fireworks or the Eiffel Tower*

Real life –

Yeah this is going alright init. What do you want, pizza or Chinese? My treat.

*to the sound of whatever is on itv2*

First kiss with a love interest.

Film version –

Smooth. He tucks your hair behind your ear and smiles at you. It’s normally raining. Or snowing. Which makes you look prettier, not like Amy Winehouse after a big one. It’s gentle and sexy. And sober.

Real life –

Often half cut, at a bus stop. Sometimes a tooth clash because you’re not quite used to each other yet. More often that not a bum grab. Always a misjudgement on the ‘tongue or no tongue’ game. Normally always quite unsexy.


Film version –

Polished, well-timed right hooks that cause the other guys face to fold and shake in slow motion. Normally floors the other guy and the puncher doesn’t feel a thing in this hand.

Real life –

Two pissed up blokes basically just pushing each other around outside a kebab shop. Whilst swearing. A lot.

Break Ups.

Film version –

Tears that somehow make you look pretty and vulnerable. Well structured confessions of how you’ve been feeling for a long, long time. An old indie song plays in the background. A soft focused walk out of the door of the cute little coffee shop whilst you leave someone on the sofa looking sad but still really fucking hot.

Real life –

Screaming. Making no sense. Throwing things. Slamming doors. Both look like an absolute car crash for about 3 weeks afterwards due to lack of sleep and constant late night text arguments about who is the bigger bellend.

& best of all.


Film version –

Music playing. Normally some kind of smooth R&B. Couple involved have always managed to light some candles and reapply their make up prior to said fumble. The action between your top and bra coming off and you laying down on fresh white linen is one smooth move. You are pert, and well tanned, and the action happens without any kind of foreplay. And goes out for an eternity. You both finish at exactly the same time, at the same time as the song ends handily and then spoon whilst looking like you’ve just stepped out of the hairdressers.

Real life –

Two people hopping around a non-tidy bedroom, whilst trying to drag your skinny jeans off. You almost certainly haven’t shaved your legs as you’d hoped and the lighting is either bright big light or pitch black. You’ll knock heads, teeth and someones arm will go into someones eye at some point. It’ll be a special occasion if your underwear matches. He still will struggle getting your bra off so you’ll end up doing it yourself. There are few smooth, seamless movements. There’s the start stop whilst you fumble round for baby stoppers and your bed linen is far from crisp and white. More badly patterned and creased. It finishes anywhere between 15-45 minutes later (depending on the amount of booze involved) and as you turn over for a cuddle you’ll no doubt manage to kick your fella in the balls. Your hair is all over the place and you both look like you’ve been thrown at a wall. One falls asleep snoring whilst the other gets a dead arm from the awkward position you’ve ended up in.

Because, it’s not like it is in the films. If only it bloody was.

LL x


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