There’s me on my 26th birthday. This year we all turned 26. We all took it a variety of ways. Some of us buggered off traveling to “find ourselves”, some walked away from what was no longer making us happy, some of us had engagement parties.
Sarah had a full on breakdown.
Today the girls & I had a chat about what happens when you turn 26.
Here was the outcome.
The 26 Things That Happen When You Turn 26.
1. You halfheartedly begin to think a little bit more about your finances. Let’s not mess about & pretend that on the morning of your 26th birthday, you’re down the bank getting an ISA, but you do start to consider, potentially, perhaps, maybe putting a bit to one side each month.
2. Your metabolism will bite you on the arse. You may well have once been (this doesn’t apply to me) the size 8 bird that could eat like Britain’s Strongest Man, but now it’s catching up with you…and the first time in your life you have a little roll when you sit down. So long McDonald’s for dinner every night. Hello avocado….
3. Your ability to ‘lay-in’ dwindles. Remember them days you would sleep til like 2pm and not bat an eyelid? Not now. 8am you say? On a Sunday? Well of course you’re wide awake. What. Is. Life.
4. All of a sudden your Facebook news feed is full of school friend’s weddings and children’s first birthdays. And you’re sitting there going on one date a month thinking ‘soon come’.
Whilst also secretly still being scared of long term commitment. Cos 26 is still basically adolescence.
5. You start giving ‘advice’ to younger people in your office.
Like you’re ever so sorted and got your life together.
6. You start seeing the appeal in buying home furnishings and making your flat not look like student digs. God knows where it comes from but out of nowhere you’re like Little Miss Scatter Cushion running round TK Maxx like it’s some pimped up version of Supermarket Sweep.
7. You no longer can be arsed with ‘the game’. Any remotely aloof bloke, who you would have previously pursued, just gets jogged on.
Cos you’re busy buying scatter cushions and ain’t got time for this white noise.
8. In a long-term relationship? 26 is what is affectionately known as ‘shit-or-bust’ age. If you’ve been together 4 years plus, at this age, you’re either getting a ring on it immiently or your heading for a split.
I’m sorry boys & girls.
9. You finally come to terms with the fact that you’re never going to be famous. It’s tough. But you’ve got there eventually.
10. Somehow you earn more & more money but yet you have less & less of it. Maybe it’s due to gas price increases? Or because you don’t drink house wine anymore? Who knows? It’s a mystery.
11. You genuinely look into moving abroad because you’re old enough to handle it but young enough that if it goes tits up the wrong way, you can still move back to your Mum’s and nobody would massively judge you.
12. You have to listen to your parents saying ‘I was married at your age’ and your grandparents saying ‘I had your Mum at your age’ and the voice in your head saying ‘but I still want to spend all my money in the pub’.
13. You’re of the age of getting plus ones to a wedding. Annnnd I’ll be RSVP’ing for just me then.
14. Clubbing is for children. You do not line up to get in anywhere. And if there’s no seats in the bar you go to, you more often than not leave. Immediately.
15. Your job becomes half serious & calling in sick on a hangover is no longer the done thing. Take me back to my receptionist days of one phone call an hour and clocking off at 4.30pm. School hours mate. School hours.
16. You are no longer down with words that the kids use. Any idea how long I’ve spent googling ‘fleek’ to find if my eyebrows are? Or ‘trap queen’ to find out if I count as one? It would transpire that they neither are and I neither am.
17. You actually begin to understand the benefits of going to the gym and drinking green tea and basically just not plugging every hole in your body with white bread. Eating pizza & never moving becomes a bit old hat and out of nowhere you are all over the gym like a tramp on hot chips.
18. You forget how old you are to an extent…’Oh she’s 24, my age’ No mate.
Well that’s until someone, normally who’s attempting to flirt with you, asks how old you are. You say ‘guess’ (standard pub chat) and they say ‘Hmmm 28, 29?’.
Then you fucking remember how old you are. Quick sharp.
19. Smear tests are an actual thing in your life. Kill. Me. Now.
20. You stop looking for ‘the guy’. If they show up then marvellous. If not, you and your flat mate are totally OK with buying a dog and living a long, sexless life together. You’ve had the chat. Your both bored of idiots and you find each other hilarious. It’s done.
21.You have them Sunday’s when you sit there and think ‘SHITTTTT WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE’. Hours of self depriciation can pass, anxiety that you’re not living a life that is fulfilled enough or that you will die wrinkly and alone. You Google evening classes, speed dating nights and Hot Spin Yoga Kill You In 20 Minutes sessions.
Then you just go buy a pizza and get over yourself because you realise you’re just a bit hungover and being dramatic.
22. You realise the five year plan you had at 21 was complete and utter bullocks.
23. You realise that the chances of you making new ‘real’ mates is slim. You’ve got what you’ve got & on the whole they’re pretty awesome. If you’ve put up with them for over ten years just put up & shut up.
24. You begin to get over your hang ups. Remember when you nearly chopped your nose of at 17 because it had a bump in it? Or when you nearly knocked all your teeth out because your reflection made you hurl? Now you’re just like ‘I don’t look like Susan Boyle today. Sweet’
25. You begin to do exactly what you want. Because you have the money to. And the freedom to. And you haven’t got any kids to feed so it’s absolutely acceptable to blow a month’s money on two new pairs of shoes & a long weekend booze cruise to France. #augusthappenings
& last but not least
26. You stop crying as much as you did when you were younger. You stop crying over boys and feelings and arguments and getting your ‘heart broken’. You save it for the real important shit.
Like when someone dies.
Or you run out of Nivea.
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