It’s a well known fact, that as humans, we do a very good job at ballsing things up. We’re really good at it. Prime example of when we balls things up is when we freak out, and after many years listening and living some classic relationship stories, I’ve learnt that we freak out the best when we’re seeing people. Here is the classic list of things that men & women freak out about and if you don’t relate to at least three – you are bionic.
The Freak Out
– He texts back straight away. Does he not have anything else to do? Am I filling a really dreadful void left in his life by a crazy ex wife or a jail sentence. I’m probably better off just not seeing him again.
– He takes six hours to text back. Who else is he shagging? I’m nobody’s fool. Ended.
– God she’s typing. I’m typing. CLINGY.
– I’m not entirely sure I’m ok with someone that doesn’t wear socks and rolls up his trousers. I mean, he’s great & such a laugh. But I just don’t think I can handle that long term. OH GOD.
– She just brought up going away for a weekend. I can’t think of anything better than spending a few days holed up in a hotel room with her. But really? Mini break? What am I? 40? Leave it out mate.
– She wears a lot of make up. What if she’s dog rough in the morning. And my flat mate sees her and tells the boys. Jesus this is a risk. They need to think she’s fit.
– HE CAN SEE THROUGH MY JEANS THAT I’VE NOT SHAVED MY LEGS. I’d better call it a night.
– Apparently her ex boyfriend owned his own property firm. I just work in marketing. Nah. Can’t afford this shit.
– SHE HELPED HERSELF TO FOOD OFF MY PLATE. It’s been 6 months. What the fuck does she think this is?
– As if I told her this was causal and I’ve just seen her leaving work with another bloke. What is that about? Cheeky mare. What have I done?
– He opened his eyes when he kissed me. He’s 100% lost interest. Better leave before he shits on me.
– She’s way out of my league. God knows why she keeps texting me back. She’s probably a nutter init. Almost certainly a nutter. The pretty ones always are. But she’s so pretty. Oh man.
– Oh god he supports the same football team as my ex. OMEN.
– She’s left her toothbrush in MY bathroom. Without an offer. Just left it there. Right next to mine. She’s going to be picking out curtains next ain’t she. Mate!
– Ah I left my toothbrush in his bathroom by mistake. He’s going to think I’m going to try and marry him init. So much emphasis on a bloody toothbrush.
– He’s just become friends with WHO on Facebook? Oh she’s got really big boobs. Probably need to buy some new bras. Or find out who she is immediately.
– SHE JUST CALLED ME HER BOYFRIEND. Entrapment. I mean, I was gonna bring it up. But on my terms.
– HE JUST CALLED ME HIS GIRLFRIEND. Must. Try. Stay. Calm. And. Not. Text. The. Girls. Immediately. To. Ascertain. What. His. Game. Is.
& last but not least
– she’s wife material. I mean literally what I’ve always said I wanted. Laid back, funny, proper fit.
But I’m not 30 yet. I’ve got years of pantless good times ahead. I’m in my prime.
I’d better end it.