It’s been quite a British week all in all. A new royal baby, which in turn led to an influx of OAPs dressed in union jacks to take to the streets. A general election, which in turn led to pompous prats taking over our tele. And a bank holiday, which in turn led to pub takings to go through the roof…we all know how much a Brit loves a Bank Holiday. The world has been tuned into MP’s drinking beer to win votes and a Town Crier announcing the birth of a baby.
I also watched a programme yesterday called The Immigrants Guide To Britain which was a comedy view on how outsiders view us lot.
It’s funny how the rest of the world must view us but it’s true that there are certain things that only Brits do. And here’s some of them…
– A Brit will have a BBQ even if it’s raining. Because they planned to do it. They spent the best part of £200 on the equipment and meat and invited everyone they’ve ever met. They planned it 6 weeks in advance and like fuck are they going to be put off by a bit of drizzle. I will BBQ under an umbrella. Resilience to the end.
– A Brit will use ‘banter’ as an excuse for even some of the most despicable behaviour. Did you just cuss your best mate’s Mum? Did you just make a sexually inappropriate comment to that woman in the pub? Banter init. All. Of. The. Banter.
– A Brit will moan about how cold their food is, the fact that there’s a hair in it and actually what they are eating is in fact raw chicken. A waitress will come by and ask how their meal is and a Brit will say, ‘lovely, thanks’.
– A Brit will use a pint or a cup of tea as the answer to the world’s problems. A Brit’s best mate could have been handed with a life threatening diagnosis and they will either put the kettle on or take them to the pub to get them pissed.
– A Brit will go out in shorts the minute it is June. Even if it’s minus 2 outside because of some freak weather conditions, it is June and as such is instantly short weather. I will freeze before I fold.
– A Brit loves getting their pasty bits out. All of the white skin. All of the time.
– A Brit will use any national event as an excuse to get on one. Royal Wedding? Shit faced. Grand National? Shit faced. Big Brother Final? Hammer Timed!
– A Brit grew up going on caravan holidays. And no matter how many planes they get on in life they know there is no joy greater than that found in a Tiger Club at a Havan holiday park.
– A Brit will live by the rule of “queue” for as long as they live. You must queue for everything you do. Queue. And if someone pushes in front of you, you will just tut.
– A Brit will tut in the face of all adversity. Why stand up for what’s right or express your distain at something when you can simply tut.
– A Brit will never understand the dangers of drinking in the sun. They will forever be sick from booze aided sun stroke.
– A Brit will go on holiday and seek out a fry up. And they will go back to the same restaurant for the whole fortnight if they sell Heinz beans.
– Talking of holidays, Brits love going on the same holiday every year. Well, you know what you’re going to get don’t you?! Who said variety is the spice of life? No kid, The Playa Monica, Lanzarote is the spice of life.
– A Brit will never heap praise on a good achievement. Their loved one could win a bloody Oscar or a Noble Prize and a Brit will still point out the fact that they buggered up their acceptance speech. If you’re lucky they might buy you a pint as their way of saying well done.
– A Brit will never learn from a hangover. They will drink and drink and drink until they are ill. And get up and do it all over again tomorrow. And the next weekend. And basically until they stop to have kids. Fact.
– A Brit will make a decision on if they like you or not based on the football team you support. True story.
& last but not least…
– A Brit will go away with lots more Brits to a foreign land, drink all the booze and eat all of the fry ups they can lay their hands on. They will fall asleep in a foreign drain and paint willy’s on their mates backs in sun block. They will drink shots whilst shouting ‘Who are ya!’ and demand chips with many a meal.
They will come home wondering why the world thinks we’re thugs.
God Save The Queen