Freak Out

It’s a well known fact, that as humans, we do a very good job at ballsing things up. We’re really good at it. Prime example of when we balls things up is when we freak out, and after many years listening and living some classic relationship stories, I’ve learnt that we freak out the best when we’re seeing people. Here is the classic list of things that men & women freak out about and if you don’t relate to at least three – you are bionic.
The Freak Out
– He texts back straight away. Does he not have anything else to do? Am I filling a really dreadful void left in his life by a crazy ex wife or a jail sentence. I’m probably better off just not seeing him again.
– He takes six hours to text back. Who else is he shagging? I’m nobody’s fool. Ended. 
– God she’s typing. I’m typing. CLINGY.
– I’m not entirely sure I’m ok with someone that doesn’t wear socks and rolls up his trousers. I mean, he’s great & such a laugh. But I just don’t think I can handle that long term. OH GOD.
– She just brought up going away for a weekend. I can’t think of anything better than spending a few days holed up in a hotel room with her. But really? Mini break? What am I? 40? Leave it out mate. 
– She wears a lot of make up. What if she’s dog rough in the morning. And my flat mate sees her and tells the boys. Jesus this is a risk. They need to think she’s fit.
– Apparently her ex boyfriend owned his own property firm. I just work in marketing. Nah. Can’t afford this shit.
– SHE HELPED HERSELF TO FOOD OFF MY PLATE. It’s been 6 months. What the fuck does she think this is? 
– As if I told her this was causal and I’ve just seen her leaving work with another bloke. What is that about?  Cheeky mare.   What have I done?  
– He opened his eyes when he kissed me. He’s 100% lost interest. Better leave before he shits on me.
– She’s way out of my league. God knows why she keeps texting me back. She’s probably a nutter init. Almost certainly a nutter. The pretty ones always are. But she’s so pretty. Oh man. 
– Oh god he supports the same football team as my ex. OMEN.
– She’s left her toothbrush in MY bathroom. Without an offer. Just left it there. Right next to mine. She’s going to be picking out curtains next ain’t she. Mate! 
– Ah I left my toothbrush in his bathroom by mistake. He’s going to think I’m going to try and marry him init. So much emphasis on a bloody toothbrush. 
– He’s just become friends with WHO on Facebook? Oh she’s got really big boobs. Probably need to buy some new bras. Or find out who she is immediately.
– SHE JUST CALLED ME HER BOYFRIEND. Entrapment. I mean, I was gonna bring it up. But on my terms.
– HE JUST CALLED ME HIS GIRLFRIEND. Must. Try. Stay. Calm. And. Not. Text. The. Girls. Immediately. To. Ascertain. What. His. Game. Is. 
& last but not least 
– she’s wife material. I mean literally what I’ve always said I wanted. Laid back, funny, proper fit.
But I’m not 30 yet. I’ve got years of pantless good times ahead. I’m in my prime. 
I’d better end it.
LL x 

The Questions All 15 Year Old Girls Ask Themselves.

Here’s one of my favorite pictures from my teenage years. Top button undone, hooped earrings and flagged by girls I’m still pleased to call mates. One now lives abroad, one is about to take over the music management scene and I am still taller than both of them…anyway, I digress.
 On my to work every morning, I walk past the same 15 year old girl, the same age as I am in this picture I think (don’t hold me to that). We cross paths at Primark (because Croydon is all the class) and my heart goes out to her every day. If she’s not pulling up her knee high socks (they’re back) or ruffling her pony tail, she’s pulling at her shirt or arguing with her bag strap. She looks so uncomfortable with herself and I feel her pain. Being 15 is the WORST. And every bit of me wants to just say to her one morning ‘In 10 years, none of this will matter’ but I know that she’s probably been awake til 2am because Ben Miller didn’t reply to her text, or her Mum found her Cosmo magazine under her bed and cried because she finally found out about bikini waxing, or her best friend stopped talking to her for NO reason. It got me thinking about all the things that are awful about being that age, and how you could never pay me enough money to go back to it. But also, how many questions I would ask myself each and every day!
Here they are, with the help of the girls obviously, 
The Questions All 15 Year Old Girls Ask Themselves.
1. What length should I be wearing my tie today? What will the repercussions be if I get it wrong? Will it make my mates hate me? Probably.
2. Why is Mum trying to ruin my life by telling me I’m too young to wear make up? When I have a face that looks like a pizza. And I’m basically going to get spat on when I go to school tomorrow.
3. Why is Mum trying to ruin my life by telling me I’m too young to shave my legs? When I have monkey legs and the boys in my class will start calling me Monkey Legs by the end of PE tomorrow.
4. Why is everyone else wearing a thong? Do they not go up your fanny? Do they not make you feel like you’re being cut in half? They kind of scare me.
5. Will I get married to Rob Compton? Because he looked at me in Maths. So I’m pretty sure we will.
6. WHERE ARE MY DISNEY SOCKS? I can’t wear my jogging bottoms out without them. My life is over.
7. What song lyric should I have as my MSN screename to expose every emotion I am feeling right now? It should probably be off the new Usher album. Because he just gets me. 
8.Will I know for definite if I’m a lesbian? Because I might be and not just know? No I really do think I’ll marry Rob Compton. I mean he’s got a girlfriend but I’m defintley number one. 
9. DoILickADickADay? Do people actually do that? Oh god. 
10. Will my fanny fall off if I use Immac? If my mum finds out will she kill me? How much air freshener gets rid of the smell from the bathroom? 
11. I think I might be sick if I smoke that? But everyone else is, so should I? Why do I feel like the room is moving? Why am I laughing so much? Oh god.
12. If I don’t revise for my GCSEs will I really get a job in Tesco? And will I have to stay there forever? Or will I actually be OK cos, well, my cousins are? 
13. What if my teeth hit his when he kisses me for the first time? What if my breath stinks? Oh god he’s coming for my face. OHHHHH GOOOOOD. Yeah I kissed a boy. I’m such a don. Why is he not talking to me? Why has he told everyone our teeth clashed when they didn’t? I hate him.
14. Why are Jack Moorcroft & Chris Kirby playing catch with that girls sanitary towel? That’s really mean. But why am I laughing so much? Am I a bitch or is that just funny? Oh god is my bag zipped up? Oh no it’s my sanitary towel. I hate them.
15. How bad are Teacher/Student affairs really? Because Mr Ashdown is SO FIT AND I LOVE HIM. 
16. Why did he spend all night talking to be on MSN and is now ignoring me? But texting me to say I look pretty in Science? But cussing me when he’s with his friends? Why are boys so mean? I think I love him. 
17. Will I get arrested if I forge my Mum’s signature in my homework planner? But I did all my homework so should I just ask her to sign it? But if people see me faking her signature they’ll think I’m cool. I’ve done it. I’m cool.
18. Will my hoops ever stop hurting my ears? They’re so achy. 
19. Why is my shirt not doing up? Oh my god I had a boob spurt over night. And it’s only Wednesday. Which means no new shirts til Saturday. Will this mean I get a boyfriend?
20. Will anyone ever fancy me? Train tracks are RUINING MY WHOLE LIFE.
21. How many calories were in that ice cream? Should I just not eat til a week Tuesday? Because being fat is the worst thing in the world ever.
22. Why won’t Mum let me use the phone to call my mate? I need to know what she’s wearing shopping tomorrow. So I can wear the exact same thing. Because that is how we do. 
23. Will I be a virgin forever? Probably. I’ve got braces and it’s Valentines Day and nobody left a card for me in tutor time. Oh wait, they did? Who was it? Was it a dare? Are they laughing at me right now? Oh god.
24. Do you think Alexandra really is pregnant with twins? Because she lies all the time. But I’m sure she’s telling the truth this time. In fact I know she’s lying but I’m going to tell anyone because it is the gossip of the year.
25. Do you think they are real drugs in his bag? They smell like Surf. Does cocaine smell like Surf? Is he really that much of a bad ass? I really fancy him. 
26. What if I loose all my mates over the summer holidays because Mum is making me go to my Nan’s for a whole week? 
27. If I tell him I fancy him in his year book he might not see it and I can just blame that for him not texting me, can’t I? Yeah let me do that, in my best glitter gel pens. True. Love. 
28. Is it wrong that I don’t think fingering sounds nice? What is wrong with me? Maybe I am a lesbian? 
29. Why doesn’t he know that I fancy him? Oh wait, he’s just asked me to ask out my best mate for him. How will I ever get over this heart break?  **that actually happened to me just so you know**
& finally
30. When will life stop becoming so bloody confusing?
When you discover wine, coffee and social smoking babes. Trust.

Life Affirming Moments

We’ve all had them. Them moments when something clicks, or a light bulb somewhere goes off and you think ‘a-ha’. Either ‘a-ha’ I need to look for a new job or ‘a-ha’ this girl I’m dating is an absolute looney tune. I’ve had a few just in the last week and it made me think of all the ones I had in the past. Some are bit deep, far gazing and meaningful. Others, I hope, will just make you laugh.

I like to call them
Life Affirming Moments
The time I sat with a pizza in Ben’s cold, December, Brighton garden and saw my first (then subsequent six) shooting stars and had all my friends laugh at me because, at 25, I’d never seen one. I was so bloody excited. I wished on every single one & genuinely believed they’d come true! At that moment I realised, with a cold but tasty pizza and in the company of some legends, that it really is the small things in life that can bring the most excitement.
I also realised that stars are epic. My mates Josh & Dan gave me a brief lesson on them and told me that there was a chance that one of the stars I was looking at, started shining the day I was born. I was a mess. It was such a staggering thought…and well, I was shitfaced. Mess.

Talking of stars, the time I laid on a wet pier in deepest darkest Lake District, with a hot chocolate and one of my bestests and looked up at a sky that was literally dancing. I thought then ‘kna what … I am tiny, and so are some of my problems’.
Not all of them mind. I still literally loose sleep over how uneven my eyebrows are. Literally.
That time I turned up to a Trek America, on my jack, knowing nobody and was told that night I would share a tent with a stranger who was on the bus I’d just hopped on. I was 21 and had barely ever branched past Zone 2. I shat myself. I nearly went back to the hostel and called up to get on the first flight home. Instead I made good mates with a girl called Kate, went wine tasting and ended up in Canada. We pitched our tents in the dark and in the rain and I woke up with the wettest arse. It rained for 12 hours solid and I did not sleep a wink. We went to Niagra Falls that morning and saw a full rainbow over it. That happens hardly ever. That morning I kicked myself for nearly bottling it. And realised then that some shit is scary, but by the word of God it’s almost always going to be worth it.
Or that time I turned up in Chicago, again at 21, to embark on some solo travels. My bag got lost and there I was. In Downtown Chicago without a toothbrush, no clean knickers and no tampons. Two words. Character building. Whilst trying to find a Walgreens at 9pm and not get shot I realised it’s good to not have someone to rely on all the time. Sometimes you need to hold your own. I got a toothbrush, made friends with a weird Thai girl that hid pizza in her hostel locker and went to see the sights with her the next day. Via an Old Navy…to buy a new bra.
The time I had the brazen balls to be 18 & walk out of a job. And had the affirmation that you’ll always work it out. But that it was a really dumb arse move and you’re not always going to be living at your Mum’s.Think shit through.
The time all our hearts got broke a bit when my Grandad passed away. I looked around at this funeral to see the best part of 100 people there to pay their respects to him. At that moment I realised I’d grown up around a legend, and if I stuck by his rules, I’d never be lonely. Yes Grandad. My guy.
There was the time that I had a bit of row with a boyfriend, so went home, got a bit pissed on my own and watched a Rod Stewart concert. I realised then, that on a Friday night, sometimes your own company is the best and it’s good to be comfortable with it. I had a ball. Good job and all really. The git dumped me the following week. All of the wine & all of the old TV concerts followed…jogging bottom jams prevailed. 
The other time my heart got a bit broke when the ‘love of my life’ snogged loads of girls in front of me at the age of 15. And I cried for weeks. Then I got 11 GCSEs and them girls have now got all the kids and I’m sitting there thinking ‘cool’.
That first time someone stared me straight in the chops and called me gorgeous. And he was fit. Like, proper fit. And I realised that I weren’t all that bad really. Especially when he kept calling and texting. He was a sort. 
That time my two best mates bought me a pair of trainers for my birthday that I’d been raving about for months. They put them in seperate bags. The left was from Laura, the right from Sarah. Basically a little symbol (not that it was intentional) that I’d be pretty screwed without the pair. The pair of them. Sat back and realised that although they are dickheads that seperately wrap gifts I’d actually be shafted if they weren’t about.

& last but not least.

The time when last week ended up being like a slow motion car crash off of a really old and quite shit film. You know when each day something comes tumbling your way that you don’t quite have the energy to dive out the way of, because the thing that happened the day before is distracting you. One of them. And in the space of five days I heard from so many people, checking that I was alright or sending me something completely inappropritate to make me smile. Then I realised that as long as I have the following, I’ll always be alreet.

So here is to…



Being British

It’s been quite a British week all in all. A new royal baby, which in turn led to an influx of OAPs dressed in union jacks to take to the streets. A general election, which in turn led to pompous prats taking over our tele. And a bank holiday, which in turn led to pub takings to go through the roof…we all know how much a Brit loves a Bank Holiday. The world has been tuned into MP’s drinking beer to win votes and a Town Crier announcing the birth of a baby. 
I also watched a programme yesterday called The Immigrants Guide To Britain which was a comedy view on how outsiders view us lot.
It’s funny how the rest of the world must view us but it’s true that there are certain things that only Brits do. And here’s some of them…
Being British
– A Brit will have a BBQ even if it’s raining. Because they planned to do it. They spent the best part of £200 on the equipment and meat and invited everyone they’ve ever met. They planned it 6 weeks in advance and like fuck are they going to be put off by a bit of drizzle. I will BBQ under an umbrella. Resilience to the end.
– A Brit will use ‘banter’ as an excuse for even some of the most despicable behaviour. Did you just cuss your best mate’s Mum? Did you just make a sexually inappropriate comment to that woman in the pub? Banter init. All. Of. The. Banter.
– A Brit will moan about how cold their food is, the fact that there’s a hair in it and actually what they are eating is in fact raw chicken. A waitress will come by and ask how their meal is and a Brit will say, ‘lovely, thanks’.
– A Brit will use a pint or a cup of tea as the answer to the world’s problems. A Brit’s best mate could have been handed with a life threatening diagnosis and they will either put the kettle on or take them to the pub to get them pissed.
– A Brit will go out in shorts the minute it is June. Even if it’s minus 2 outside because of some freak weather conditions, it is June and as such is instantly short weather. I will freeze before I fold.
– A Brit loves getting their pasty bits out. All of the white skin. All of the time.
– A Brit will use any national event as an excuse to get on one. Royal Wedding? Shit faced. Grand National? Shit faced. Big Brother Final? Hammer Timed!
– A Brit grew up going on caravan holidays. And no matter how many planes they get on in life they know there is no joy greater than that found in a Tiger Club at a Havan holiday park.
– A Brit will live by the rule of “queue” for as long as they live. You must queue for everything you do. Queue. And if someone pushes in front of you, you will just tut.
– A Brit will tut in the face of all adversity. Why stand up for what’s right or express your distain at something when you can simply tut.
– A Brit will never understand the dangers of drinking in the sun. They will forever be sick from booze aided sun stroke.
– A Brit will go on holiday and seek out a fry up. And they will go back to the same restaurant for the whole fortnight if they sell Heinz beans. 
– Talking of holidays, Brits love going on the same holiday every year. Well, you know what you’re going to get don’t you?! Who said variety is the spice of life? No kid, The Playa Monica, Lanzarote is the spice of life.

– A Brit will never heap praise on a good achievement. Their loved one could win a bloody Oscar or a Noble Prize and a Brit will still point out the fact that they buggered up their acceptance speech. If you’re lucky they might buy you a pint as their way of saying well done.

– A Brit will never learn from a hangover. They will drink and drink and drink until they are ill. And get up and do it all over again tomorrow. And the next weekend. And basically until they stop to have kids. Fact.

– A Brit will make a decision on if they like you or not based on the football team you support. True story. 
& last but not least…
– A Brit will go away with lots more Brits to a foreign land, drink all the booze and eat all of the fry ups they can lay their hands on. They will fall asleep in a foreign drain and paint willy’s on their mates backs in sun block. They will drink shots whilst shouting ‘Who are ya!’ and demand chips with many a meal.
They will come home wondering why the world thinks we’re thugs.
God Save The Queen
LL x