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Girls vs. Blokes

We were chatting in the office last week about how differently girls and blokes react to things. It centered around seeing new people and girls in the office moaning about blokes not texting back/ doing a runner/generally being annoying. We spoke about the pickle we can get ourselves in over the smallest little thing and how little blokes seem to care. 
We covered the traumas of getting ‘ghosted’ and ‘fazed out’ and spent a fair while talking about the pure agony of knowing how blanked you are getting because of the two blue ticks on WhatsApp. The elation when they do finally text back and the need to sit back and realise that we are being totally and utterly neurotic. 

Blokes, you’ll be pleased to know that we came to the conclusion that we are 100% the mental ones, but I thought it deserved a blog all the same.
The differences – Girls vs. Blokes
Texting
Girls will receive a text message from a bloke and on average respond within 30-45 seconds of reading said message.
Blokes will read a text message, put their phone down in the living room, go for a wee, play X Box and forget about their phone for anywhere between 4- 24 hours.
Girls will freak when they haven’t had a response back from said bloke. If it goes into the next day before she gets a response she will convince herself that he is no longer interested in her and that he is probably, at that precise moment in time, shagging someone else. She will pace up and down her flat/office thinking up ways she can win him back/ key his car.
Blokes are still playing the X-Box, unaware that anything is wrong. Anytime between 4-24 hours of them seeing your text message they will either….a) be reminded of something funny you said a week ago b) have seen a programme on the television who’s lead character shares your name or c) have a slight unexpected movement in the pant area and as such will be prompted to text you back. Not saying they are just in it for the naked fun but in man land
Pant Movement = Fun Times = Last Time I Had Fun Times = Must Reply To Her Message Before There Are No More Fun Times. 
They will get up, go to go the kitchen and reply, none the wiser to the shit fit the girl has been having for the last day and how many times they have been called something terrible by her….and her mates…because obviously they already know about the ‘blank’. 
Phones
Girls will want to talk on the phone for a minimum of half an hour, just to have a chat. Just to catch up about her day and tell you all the terrible things that happened in her weekly meeting with her boss. She will want to get this all out because by the time she sees you next she will have a WHOLE other list of things to whinge about to you.
Blokes will call your phone to simply tell you they are in the shop and can’t remember if you said Malteasers or Revels.
Girls will use their phone as a way to find out every god damn thing they can about a bloke in the early stages of dating. They will hunt that poor bastards arse down on every social media outlet available and then go off him for something he posted on Instagram a year and a half ago that they don’t quite agree with. Never underestimate the research capabilities of a single girl. They go fully in, and you will never be any the wiser.

Blokes will use their phone to look at pictures of cars, trainers and boobs and to text vulgar messages to their mates about each others Mum’s.
Girls will want to take all of the selfies of her and a bloke together and send them viral. She’s expecting 40 likes for a filtered selfie…she wants the world to know!
Blokes will check the football results whilst the female is uploading said selfie.
They will also secretly like the picture of him & the girl but it will take them a good year before that shit is taking over from the picture of their car on their home screen. The day that happens you know he’s about ten minutes of off asking you to move in.
Feelings
Girls will analyse the living hell out of the way they feel about a bloke. They will talk to ANYONE that will listen about how they’re feeling, their concerns, whether or not they think they are ready to fall for someone again after ‘the bastard’. They will talk about this for hours. They will look into every little thing a bloke has said for 6 months and dissect the meaning of it.
Blokes will stop texting you if they no longer fancy you. Straight up.
 If they’re really into a female, they will only tell her in one of the following scenarios
a) bit boozy
b) really boozy
c) the first time a girl has a bit of a go at him and he’s worried she might bolt.
Nights Out
Girls will make sure they take their phone to the loo or out for a cigarette so they have ample time to text a bloke they are involved with about their evening/ check in.
Blokes will be drinking all of the lager and will probably only look at their phone when they get it out to call a cab. This does not mean they don’t still fancy you and are chatting up someone else. It means their brain can think of two things at once. And beer, dear girl, is winning tonight. 
Dates
Girls will spend, on average, 4 hours worrying about the date before it and 4 days thinking about it afterwards. When talking to their friends about it, they will reinact the whole goddamn night, with actions, accents and timelines. At least 17 people will know the guys name, age, home address and occupation before lunchtime the next day.
Blokes will turn up.
When a mate asks them how it went they’ll get one of two responses. 
1. ‘Weren’t my cup of tea’ (this means she was a munter)
2. ‘Yeah, she was alright you know’ (this means I’ve been knocked off my feet mate, can’t stop thinking about her)
If a girl is in charge of planning a date night a while into a relationship, Wowcher is getting hit up. You are going some place fancy but reasonable for food, and maybe for a little stroll along the Thames. She’ll buy a new top, paint her nails and get her hair blow dried. All the romance. 
If a bloke is in charge of planning a date night a while into a relationship, you two are going to the first restaurant he passes on his way home from work.
Clothes
A girl will fret about what to wear on a date, will buy new pyjamas to wear round the house when there’s a new bloke on the scene, will go all out to make sure even her ‘comfy clothes’ are brand new and make her arse look nice. That’s without us even going down the underwear road!
A bloke will carry on as he has for the preceding 20 odd years. Take it or leave it.
A girl will judge a guy on his choice of clothes. I’ve known girls (true story & you know who you are) not accept a second date with a guy because his choice of jacket wasn’t her cup of tea. Granted a leather bomber is a touch and go area but I felt for the guy.
A bloke aint looking at your clothes sweetheart. 
& off the dating topic but all the same needs noting…

Illness
A girl who has a cold gets up and goes to work. Will probably not feel amazing for most of the day, but will trojan on with a Panadol and an early night. She won’t expect anything from any man in her life other than maybe a peck on the forehead and a bit of a cuddle.
A bloke plans his funeral. 
LL x
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