Words That Annoy Me

I’ve got a funny thing with certain words. They just proper wind me up. Sitting watching Titanic on Sunday night, someone on the screen uttered the word ‘melancholy’. My flatmate & I agreed that it is on the list of the most stupidly annoyingly words in the world and she went so far to ask if it could make a feature in my next blog.

So, Sarah. Here’s to you. And your hate of the word ‘melancholy’.
13 of The Words That Annoy Me The Most.
Quinoa – not only should it be spelt keenwaaa, it also should be pronounced ‘so basically, what you mean is that this salad isn’t going to fill me up?’
Siobahn – to all Siobahn’s out there I apologise…but really?! The spelling of your name makes you sound like a German railway service. Sio Bahn like Deuche Bahn. Spell it Savaughn. Then we all know where we stand.

Sian – That’s another one that gets my goat. I don’t even know where to start with spelling that better. Just call yourself Alice or something simple.

Phlegm – don’t try parade round like you are a fancy word for a fancy action with your silent ph. Wind your neck in.
Corrupted – when used in the context of a computer. Did my Word Document do a small country out of $5billion? No, course it didn’t. It’s just having a mental 5 minutes. Relax. 
Gusset – that section of a ladies undergarments need never be discussed and as such doesn’t need a word. Leave. It. Out.
Melancholy – just hold your hands up and say you’ve got the fucking hump.
Mauve – what are you, lilac or purple? Mauve. Behave yourself.
Kenya – when pronounce Keenya. Oh have you just holidayed in Keeeennyyaaaa? How nice for you and your middle class drawl.
Chillax – made a word decision. Stick to it. 
Hilar – totes hilar was it? It’s not a hard word to finish. Make an effort.
Suppository– the mere utterance of this instantly makes my bum cheeks clench.
Gentrification – basically a word to let me know that another place in South London has had every decent chicken shop taken out of it. Should be replaced with the word ‘poncy’.
Knob: ‘Wow, hasn’t Brixton become gentrified. So many quirky places to eat and a pint is only £8.50, bargain really’
Me: ‘Blimey, Brixton got poncy. I can’t afford to live here’ 
LL x

Payday vs. Poorday

What day of the month do you get paid? 
We get paid on the 25th…which means the next 3 days are going to be actual hell on earth. I’m hoping that at one point in my life, I meet someone that forces me to take control of my finances…not in a violent way, just in a ‘Jo sort your life out’ way. Someone that stops me from being a payday millionaire who splashes all she owns and earns in about 72 hours to spend 3 weeks living like someone who doesn’t have a permanent address. 
 
There’s such a stark difference between people’s behaviour the week before payday – I’m branding it PoorDay and the actual day of joy itself.
Some examples.
Payday 
  I’m going to go home via Waitrose, I’m buying some cheese that I can’t pronounce the name of and probably won’t even like, I’m going to buy EVERYTHING branded and treat myself to a tin of caviar. I am a lottery winner and I belong in Waitrose.
Poorday
 Lidl have really started taking the piss charging me £2.20 for six organic chicken breasts. Lairy little gits.
***
Payday 
Get me to the MAC counter, plaster my face and make me look like Beyonce. Yep. I’ll buy the lot. £250 is a bargain when you’re getting a free make up bag AND brush. 
Poorday 
Have you got any scissors? I just need to cut the end off of my Rimmel tinted moisturizer so that I don’t scare children on the way to work.
***
Payday 
 I need four pairs of Air Max 90’s. All in a different colour. All on my feet. Right now.
Poorday 
 I need to find the receipts for them immediately, return them in enough time for the money to clear so I can pay the council tax. Oh no I cleared my purse out. Right, they’re going on eBay. I’m sorry how much should I start the bidding at…I didn’t realise a trainer’s value depreciated like a car! 
***
Payday 
 Let’s have a takeaway. Come on it’s payday – my treat. Do you want sides? Drinks? Double up? It’s fine, I’m totally OK with spending £30 on pizza. 
Poorday
 Annnnnd I’m in bed hungry. 
***
Payday
No, no it’s your birthday. You are NOT paying for your dinner in this really over priced AsianFusion joint.
Poorday
You’re not even really my mate, I’m certainly not coming out for your birthday.
***
Payday
Going to get my hair did. Yeah, go on then I’ll pay the extra for a ‘bespoke blowdry’.
Poorday
Shampoo got EXPENSIVE. How often do you really need to wash your hair ?
***
Payday
   I’m going to get home, have a bubble bath, cheeky face mask, listen to some tunes and catch up on some Netflix. 
Poorday
   I must not turn on the heating or use any electric. I will sit, in the dark, under a blanket and hope to god my phone battery lasts until I get to work tomorrow to recharge. 
***
Payday 
Andrex
Poorday 
Iceland’s 4 for £1 bog roll. 
***
Payday  
I’m thinking about buying a car. I mean, I don’t really need one but Fiat 500’s are too cute not to have. I can manage the monthly repayments. I’m going to go test drive one tomorrow.
Poorday
I’m in the overdraft of my Oyster card.
***
Payday 
Shall we go on holiday, like a nice little last minute weekend away. Nothing extravagant, couple of hundred quid. Get away.
Poorday 
I need to walk to work for the next week.

***
Payday 
 Bottle of Prosecco.
Poorday 
Bottle of one up from Gnat’s Piss. 
***
Payday
Pret or Eat? Pret or Eat? 

Poorday 
Can of Minestrone that’s been in your drawer for a year or nothing? 
***
Payday
 My round. Fuck it, let’s have a tequila.
Poorday
 My round. Fuck it, let’s have a tequila. 
Cos let’s face it. There’s always money for the pub 
LL xx

Small Pleasures

I met someone recently who lives by the rule that it’s the small things in life that make you happiest. Like you can have a big flash motor, but you know as well as the next (wo)man that there is no happier place found than that in a pack of Malteasers in your Jim Jams.

Who needs millions of pounds and a Lambarghini when we have some of the following ey?
Life’s Small Pleasures 
– Finding a pack of biscuits you forgot about when you’ve just put the kettle on. Getting your dunk on. Then the feeling of championship when the biscuit doesn’t collapse into the bottom of your brew.
– Finding a fiver in your purse that got shoved in between all those receipts. Winner winner chicken dinner.
– Talking of chicken – that little 99p menu they have in KFC. Small but perfectly seasoned treats on any budget. 
– Also whilst on the chicken subject – when you finally reach your 1/2 chicken in Nandos AND you remembered your card. All of the free meat. 
– Basically – just chicken in general. 
– Cleaning your ears. Ok, a bit rank but that feeling of getting to an itch you can’t scratch is just world changing. 
– Cheating a self checkout. Yes my courgette didn’t scan and I’ve walked out of here like it’s nothing. Boom. 
– Ikea Market Place. Kit out your flat for £3.50 and have a hot dog. Say what!! 
– Waking up on a Saturday thinking its a weekday. Realising. Doing a little bed dance and turning back over. 
– Turning over in general. Lovely. 
– The smell of a fresh out the machine washing. Unless you use crap fabric softener. But on the whole. Bliss. 
– Cold pizza. Banging. 
– The removal of ones bra after a long day at work. Double Banging. 
– Clean sheets. Game over. 
– Finding an episode of Friends that you haven’t actually seen yet. That’s a proper treat. 
– Chicken chow mein on a hangover. Hello world! 
– Getting a seat on your morning commute. When that shit happens you’ve convinced yourself your in for a promotion by the time you’ve got to Victoria – cos YOUR LUCK IS IN.
-Potato waffles. Smiley Faces. Any kind of fried potato based merriment.
– Taking your time on a shower. Really getting involved with it. Having a little sing. Getting a bit pruney. So good. 
– Stretching. Everyone LOVES a stretch. Defy anyone not to have a little grin when they’re getting down with their morning, still in bed, stretch. 
– Waking up a good couple of hours before your alarm is due to go off. That’s lush that.
– Winning your money back on a scratchcard. Cash. Back. 
– Back to chicken. Chicken nuggets. At any time of day! 
– Finally going for a wee when you’ve needed one for AGES
& last but not least (this will loose me some fans) 
– Doing a burp a little while after eating a McDonalds. I don’t need to say anything about that that blissful little flashback 
LLx