The Nine Girl

It’s a hard concept to explain to people, but one that I feel deserves it. So many friends of mine have people in their lives that there’s a special something with. That something isn’t a relationship, but it’s more than just a fling or a repeated one night thing.

I’ve got friends that have had these ‘somethings’ and now that ‘something’ is an engagement, a house move, a cat. I’ve got other mates that have had these ‘somethings’ and then they ran their course, they’ve moved on to the next and it’s a part of what was. Time has past and they still don’t know what to refer to it as. Were you ‘seeing each other’, were you ‘just good friends’ was she ‘just that girl I knew’?

I’ve devised a better (I hope) way of explaining it. Because in this day and age it’s a situation we all find ourselves in more often than not and we all get questioned on.So what is she to you then? Well…

Here it is.

To the blokes that have had them, from the girls that have been them.
The Nine Girl. 
The line between a Nine Girl & a Mine Girl is a fine one. It’s so easily blurred and one that needs to be stepped with great precaution. You can’t overstep if you’re not ready for a Nine to be Mine.
For now you have your Nine Girl and there’s a certain way it has to go. 
You two are in touch every nine days or so. A week suggests a pattern, ten days suggests forgetting. To the boys you play it out like it’s being done to keep your options open but it’s because this girl may not be at the forefront of your mind, all of the time, but she’s only ever about nine steps behind.
Your text conversations are limited to no more than nine responses and they often only ever occur after nine at night. All day long catch ups aint how you two do. But when you’re together nine hours will go by in a flash, of conversation & belly laughs.
The Nine Girl is the girl whose thumb your phone finds after nine or so pints. Who you’ve drunkenly text nine or so times. The girl who doesn’t mind the missed calls at 3.09, but the girl you respect too much to want to see you when you are nine wines in and looking mighty un-fine.

She’s no booty call but she’s no wife.

You spend hours laughing, chatting & catching up but something will always stop you from stopping past nine am the morning after the night before. You have to step back to draw the Nine/Mine line and you head on your way.
She may be ninth, nineteenth or ninetieth on your list but for you she sits in the top ninety percent. She’s a solid nine out of ten.
You’re friends with more than benefits. It’s friends with ‘something’ but not everything. You’re Nines.

At least nine things always remind you of this girl, a film, a song, a smell. You smile at the thought of the Nine Girl but you can think of at least nine valid reasons why you think this may never work.

She sits about ninth on your WhatsApp conversation list but still features on a list of the nine people you’d want to share your biggest news with.

She makes you laugh with the same jokes you’ve heard nine times over because there’s that something, whatever it is, there.

Your Nine Girls knows where shes stands and that’s because love it or hate it, you’re her Nine Boy.

You reach nine on the fear scale that she’s going to approach the subject of being your Mine Girl when in reality she’s nine times less bothered about it than you think.

You may have what you have with your Nine Girl for nine to ninety months, and as long as it suits you there’s no limit on it’s course. You may see each other every nine days or every nine weeks but it works for you and that’s cool.
In this day and age, there’s always nine hundred and ninety nine other things that occupy our time and sometimes we can’t dedicate the time to make our Nines our Mines.

 Not to say that they won’t. Not to say they will.

But for now they’re our Nine. And, well, that’s just fine.

sick bruv

The 2004 Kid Dictionary

Here’s a quick one.
Words that you said if you were at school in 2004.
Words, I hope to good God, you no longer use.
The ‘I was a teenage fool in 2004’ Dictionary.
The act of hitting somebody. Usually without reason or cause.
See – ‘she just got blapsed up in the face’ for reference.
A party or gathering that nine times out of ten only ever played the first ever So Solid Crew on repeat. You probably drank your first WKD Blue at one of these. If you are from South London, the police got called to at least one of them. One of your close friends may have lost their virginity at another. More often than not held in a church hall.
The word used to describe the art of dancing, somewhat like a slag, up against a boy who went to the shit school up the road. Often happened at a shubz. Often resulted in a teenage pregnancy. Often was done to a Beanie Man song.
beenie man



Choong ting
Attractive female
Buff ting
Attractive male.
Butters ting
Unattractive person. Mainly just because they had braces.
A bully’s way of ensuring that they sat on the back row of the coach on your ghetto trip to Hampton Court. You wouldn’t mess with him because a) he had the Adidas stripes shaved into his eyebrows and b) well…he shotgunned it.

those back seats are where it’s at.


Llow it
Please don’t allow that to happen.
See ‘detention? Miss. LLOW IT!’ for reference.
allow it fam
The word used straight after punching the class geek in his BCG scab to justify your mildly harrassing behaviour.
The word screamed just before 400 puberty struck humans charged towards in the corridor outside Geography. RUSH!
Skying it
The art of drinking a beverage from a can or bottle without your lips touching the container. Almost certainly perfected by only drinking Panda Pops.
panda pop -



Fat, basically. Word used to describe somebody not even that fat, but unable to fit into size 8 clothes from Clobber.
The act of having sex. Which, at 14, is a hot topic for all and sundry. ‘Did you hear that they are mashing?! No way – she’s so blennie!’
The hilarious act of breathing hard into a bag of crisps after offering them out to a friend. Endless hours of entertainment.
Frightened, alarmed, generally put ill at ease. ‘Bare shook bruv, bare shook’
& my all time favourite
Oh me & my friend just said the same thing at the same time? Now, I’ve been peer pressured into remaining silent until someone far cooler than me says I can speak again. Sure thing.