It’s been a little while, so to get you & I into the swing of things again, here’s a quicky.
The top 20 things I will never understand.
1. People that shout down the phone when speaking to someone abroad. It’s a phone – it does the volume for you. Screaming from your office in Soho won’t make the guy in Singapore understand you better.
2. Olives. Like what are they? A grape? A vegetable? Rank? Yes. So rank.
3. The Phone Watch. You are neither James Bond nor Inspector Gadget. You are an accountant from Coulsdon on 08.06 to London Victoria. Wind your neck in.
4. Blokes that pretend they actually want to be in Ikea. Grow a pair, stand your ground and go straight to the hot dogs.
5.The eggs in McDonalds. They are clearly not made from anything remotely resembling an egg but they are so god damn tasty. What is that?
6. Fruit sauces with meat. Do you see me whacking a load of strawberry jam in my ham sandwich? No. Why? Because it’s sick and wrong. Keep your apple slush away from my pork.
7. Blokes that think calling females ‘hunny’ is appropriate. It isn’t for the record. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. No.
8. People that ‘don’t get’ Nandos. What is there ‘to get’? It’s chicken. You eat it. You leave.
9. People under the age of 30 who have difficulty typing at speed. I’m sorry, did you not grow up relying on MSN messenger as your sole form of communication?
10. TOWIE. Like, what? And why? The scripted-but it’s real life-but people can’t genuinely be that thick-it’s actual horse shit programme. Totally over my head.
11. People that write into the Metro’s Rush Hour Crush. At the very best, you sound like a murder-ey stalker.
12. Parents that allow their kids to undergo national humiliation on the X Factor without telling them that instead of sounding like the next Mariah Carey, the noise from their mouth resembles a dying fox.
13. People that text to ask how you are….and never reply to your response.
14. Gabby Logan. Completely don’t understand the point of her. Other than to be there to try and sex up football programmes. Without being remotely sexy. Or knowing much about football.
15. Fancy dress. Enforced fun will never be for me. I don’t understand why you have to dress like a tit to have a nice time? I enjoy myself far more in my own jeans.
16. The use of the phrase ASAP. No, instead of completing that task in a timely manner, I was going to scratch my bum a bit and play four games of online Sudoko before doing it. Come on now.
17. Talking of puzzles. Those crosswords that have no black bits filled in. Talk about pointless mind fuck.
18. Tinder. Go to the pub. Talk to a girl. Know from the get go if she has all her own teeth and no lazy eyes.
19.Celery. Utterly pointless, negative calorie, water filled grass-ness.
And last but by no means least…
20. Horoscopes. Complete and utter crap scrawled down by a fat bloke with a telescope from Argos with a fetish for putting on a black wig and calling himself Meg. Weird.