Assumptions

I’ve been talking to a customer of ours at work for nearly a year. We speak twice a week and after 11 months of listening to his gruff, Hull accent telling me what for on the phone and knowing how frustratingly bad he is at sending emails, I had the perfect picture in my head. A 68 year old, rotund Father Christmas look-a-like with a pot belly and greying stubble. Your standard white, middle aged Yorkshire man, who’s never really been out of the Hull, let alone the country. 
The door buzzes at work last Monday, and my back goes up. He’s here and I know we are in for a 4 hour appointment of whining, moaning and finger pointing about all that’s gone wrong, as this old grandad munches his way through our biscuit supply whilst wiping his lunch down his cords. 
‘You must be Jo’ says the familiar voice. Around I turn to be met by a 6 foot 4, 45 year old, Armani wearing, stunning bald black guy who’s just got off the plane from Ibiza. I’m literally knocked off the spot, and also fancy him quite a bit. I was dumb struck for at least half an hour, and couldn’t believe I’d got my assumption so wrong. My old boss used to live by the motto of ‘Never Assume’ and at times like this I know why. He was a delight in the showroom, and I left for the day with a new mate and a new older man crush. Who’d have thought!
It also got me thinking how many wrong assumptions we all make on a daily basis, and how quick we are to make them.

Assumptions such as;

– A guy who wears Converse or Vans with a suit must work in ‘media, darling’. And probably lives in a house share with artisans. No doubt in East London. No thought is ever given to his general comfort. 
– The guy that brings a McDonalds into work must be hanging. Not just hungry. Or fancying a treat. But automatically a pisshead. In everyone’s eyes. 
– All builders are straight. All dancers are not. All people that work in museums never get laid because they smell like old books.
– The really leggy blonde, with lovely eyes and a killer smile at the bar, is obviously waiting for her 7ft 9 rugby playing boyfriend with two dicks. There is absolutely no point in approaching her.
– That everyone is happier and richer than you. Truth be known, everyone else in your carriage is also working out how much money a day they have to live off between now and payday on their iPhone calculator. 
– That when people swear at their computer screen, they are the most stressed and overworked people in your office. In actual fact, 9 times out of 10, they’ve just forgotten their Amazon password.
– That everyone on the 23.53 from Victoria is as pissed as you on a Thursday night. Blind eye cast on all shift workers. 
– People that are glued to their Blackberry on public transport are very executive, extremely important and very rich. High chances are they are just having a BBM row with their Mrs. 
– People that studied Art History at University must have a serious pot habit. People that studied Physics probably only got around to having sex at the age of 27. People that studied Beauty Therapy didn’t go to school. 
-People that go to festivals love getting off their titty kakkas on illegal highs. And that’s the only reason they go. Nothing to do with the music. Or the atmosphere. Nothing at all. 
– A guy holding a bunch of flowers is obviously groveling. And has acted like an utter dickhead. He isn’t just being Mr Nice.
– Skinny girls don’t get a sweaty bum or cleavage in the gym. Or feel like they are going to cough up their lung when they run. Also, the skinniness is completely effortless. Nothing to do with the fact they stopped doing anything fun at the age of 19. 
– A man wearing a short sleeved shirt and tie combo must work in Accounts. Or IT. Obviously.
– People with double barreled surnames must be the offspring of middle class hippies. Or aristocrats.  Not just normal people from Balham that couldn’t make a decision.

Oh and of course…

– Your nether regions are the only ones your doctor has ever seen, and you must therefore have a near heart attack every time they need to look down there. Truth being, cupping your balls is pretty much like signing off an invoice to them. No dramas.

& then there’s of course the assumptions that are always correct, and are the reason that we do assume. 
It’s fair to assume that a cup of tea will no doubt make you feel better no matter the situation, Polish people really do love drinking vodka. And yes, traffic wardens really are all arseholes.
LL x

Knackered

It’s been a ridiculous four weeks. Early mornings at work, late finishes and later nights out. Bad sleeping patterns, even worse eating habits and an overwhelming sense of wanting to break down in tears because I’m so bloody tired. It’s my own fault. I’ve had the chance to stay in a recoup from the most stressful period at work, spend time on my own with some scented candles and a good book. Low and behold I scoff at that, believe I’m superwoman and opt for the pub.

Friday night hit me like a ten tonne of bricks. Homeward bound on a packed Victoria Line train and for the first time in a long time, I nodded off on public transport. That’s when I realised how absolutely buggered I really was. And it hit me how many typically ‘tired person’ things I’ve been doing for the last month.
 
There are things in life that only tired people do. Not slightly under-slept people. I’m talking the exhausted among us. And here’s some of them.

– You spend at least 75% of your day just staring. Staring into space. Staring at your laptop. Staring at strangers. Shifting your gaze takes more brain power than you can possibly spare. 
– You eat more bread than the average family get through in a week. Mainly because it requires no cooking. Secondly because it’s always there. Thirdly because you can dip it into anything remotely less dense in the fridge and kid yourself you are having a ‘meal’. 
– You rarely eat lunch, meaning when you sit opposite someone on the way home eating fast food, you devise vicious ways to either mug or murder them. For no other reason than to lay claim on their chicken nuggets. Mmmm nuggets.
– You have internal debates about how much you actually need to shower. You know you’ll feel a million times better if you do, but at the same time the walk to the bathroom, undressing and getting into the shower feels like some version of Tough Mudder in your head and you just can’t face it. 
– You get hammered after two glasses of wine. Like, out of the game. 
– You grunt at almost everything. 
– You well up at everything else. 
– You get ‘dry eye’. You know when your eyes feel like the bottom of your flip flop? Yeah that’s the one. 
– By Thursday, you resort to setting 15 alarms. You know as well as the next man that you are snoozing at least 12 of them bad boys.

– You’d never admit to it, but you have been known to just shut your eyes for a minute when you’re on the loo.

– You become so absent minded that you run the risk of near fatal accidents at least twice an hour. No kettle or bread knife is safe in your presence. You all remember the time when you nearly gave yourself third degree burns when making a cuppa because, funnily enough, you were staring into space?!
– You ache in places you didn’t even know could ache. Like the bit right under your bum. What the fuck is that all about? 
– Despite your near death exhaustion you still insist on watching 3 episodes of Family Guy before you got to sleep. Even though it’s 11pm. Even though you have to be up in 6 hours. Even though you have definitely seen them all before.
– You give up all hope of seeming  attractive. You have greasy hair and spotty skin and eyes that look like Pete Doherty’s on a comedown. You are Tired Girl, and you want nobody to look at you. 
– Yawning is so enjoyable. It becomes like a little hourly treat. 
– Strangers on public transport become strangely cuddly looking. Except if they are eating McDonalds of course. 
– You bump into everything. All of the time. 
– You have no ability to retain any useful information. Sometimes, even the order of the alphabet doesn’t come naturally. 
– You become besties with the woman in Pret. She just hands you a dirty cheese croissant and a coffee when you walk in to save you having to actually say words. 
– You don’t walk. You shuffle. A bit like your Great Aunt. You know the one with the frame? 
– You devise amazing ways to conserve energy. Like changing the channel on the remote with your toes to save you bending over. You do it and then you feel like a champion. But you can’t celebrate for too long. Because your wrecked. 
– You struggle to form sentences and revert to pointing at everything. If people don’t understand what you mean, you start to really hate them. 
-Even your glasses don’t stop the fuzzy vision. 
– Finding your oyster card or keys makes you feel like you’ve been chucked in the deep end of The Crystal Maze. It’s really bloody stressful. 
– Oh and despite all of this, come Saturday morning when the lie you’ve been looking forward to since Monday comes knocking, you still wake up at work time. Because you were so bloody tired you forgot to turn off your fecking alarm! 
LLx

Overhearing

And for some light amusement, here’s a few of the stupidest & most ridiculous things I have overheard this week. 
Girl 1: What are potato wedges?
Girl 2: You know….wedges
Train Driver: The next station is Streatham Hill.
Woman A: Excuse me, does this train go to Streatham Hill?
‘Because, I know what a black coffee is, but what’s a white coffee. Like, how would I make that?’
Man A: Snapchatting is only good for naked shit really.
Man B: True story. 
Woman: But I put a weekly travel card on this last Tuesday for crying out loud, why won’t it let me through?
TFL Worker: Because it’s Wednesday 
‘Yeah, I mean, granted I asked him to sleep in my bed, but I really think like he overstepped the mark, don’t you?’
Man Standing Outside Brixton Tube Station: Yeah, no totally running on time, just got out at Oxford Circus mate, see you in a second. 
‘No it was a good deal really. It was like one for three quid, or two for six so I just got the two. Cheaper that way’.
LL x