It’s been a scorcher this week, that’s fair to say. And for those of us living & working in the big smoke, we all know how bloody unbearable anything a degree above chilly can be. Tackling the tube makes you want to faint and being stuck in a windowless box for 8 hours of the day does bring on thoughts of self harm.
It also brings out the absolute worst in people. People are so agro when they are hot. And sadly quite a lot of the time forget to abide by standards that are so commonplace when it’s snowing.
Now, after a week of being stuck in many a smelly armpit on my commute, I thought it was time I provided some advice for those of you who forget how to behave appropriately when the sun comes out.
Please abide by these ten rules if you wish to make it to September without feeling my wrath!
Rule 1: Girls, file your feet! No man, woman or dog wants to see a crusty big toe or heel hanging out of your gladiator sandals. MOISTURISE. If you have bunions, wear trainers – or cut your foot off. Nobody wants to see it.
Rule 2: Guys. White shirts get stained from your sweat FYI. If it’s going yellow under the arms – bin it. Nobody will ever sleep with you if you’ve got hardened yellow marks on show when you reach up to grab a file off the top shelf. Yack.
Rule 3: Drink plenty of water. Everyone will hate you if you faint and you are the reason 4,000 people are late for work because you did it just as the tube was about to pull out of Oxford Circus. Don’t be selfish.
Rule 4: Girls, the backs of your legs grow hairs too. Shave them. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean to say the rest of us can’t. Pay attention.
Rule 5: Guys, short sleeved shirts and ties is not a strong look. Just don’t do it. Ever.
Rule 6: Don’t stop bang outside the tube to take a ‘summertime selfie’. I will walk up your back and be really cross about it.
Rule 7: Remove all sunglasses before getting on the tube. You look like a chump. YOU ARE IN A DARK TUNNEL.
Rule 8: Take some deodorant in your bag to work. Re-apply at regular intervals. If you are unsure about the state of play under your arms, don’t be a maverick and chance an arm up on the bus or a reach over the desk at work. Check before you stretch.
Rule 9: Girls, non-leather ballet pumps will end up smelling in this weather. Smelling real bad. Don’t slip a foot out under the desk or on the bus to give them bad boys some air. If I get a downwind of Eau De Wotsit, shit’s going down.
Rule 10: At least once a week (this week it was Tuesday), I will wear a skirt to work. High chances are, the breeze down the tube will cause it to blow up on occasion. My ninja like reflexes normally prevent any knicker exposure, but if I’m slightly off my game do not be the guy that shouts ‘Alright Marylin, Wahey!’ from the top of the escalator at Green Park.
You know who you are.
You are not a comedian.