Do you have those things, those petty little things, that send you into a red mist?
I’m not talking world wars here, I’m talking ridiculous shit. Like being hungry. Or your train leaving the station 30 seconds before the timetabled departure when you’re running 20 seconds late. Or when people have dirty fingernails.
The things that make no difference to your life. Whatsoever. But the things that you notice day to day that, over time, make you want to suckerpunch a man.
Here’s a few of of the things that make me want to commit criminal damage. On an almost daily basis.
1. Unpainted toenails in sandals. Feet are ugly at the best of times. Make the best of bad lot and take that extra 5 minutes to whack a bit of No.17 Candy Pink on them bad boys.
2. Banana skins in bins near me. They stink. FOR DAYS.
3. People that are incapable of making hot beverages in the correct sequence. If you don’t follow the ‘removing bag before adding milk’ procedure, you are pretty much dead to me.
4. The people that get out of the tube and read and walk. No book is going to be that good. EVER.
5. The use of the spoken hashtag.
6. Cash points that ask you too many questions. ‘Do you want an advice slip?’ – Funnily enough – NO. I know I’m skint. I don’t need it writing on a bit of a paper. That won’t stop me taking this money out and spending it all on shoes and gin.
7. LEICESTER SQUARE. Every square, tourist filled, awful bar containing inch of the place.
8. Girls that say ‘Oh! I’m never going to finish ALL of that’ at the arrival of their normal (if anything small) sized meal.
9. People that ‘just don’t eat carbs’. Bore off you unbloated fool.
10. The use of Comic Sans MS. Itch.
11. How expensive WH Smith’s got. The once go to place for you all your stationery needs. Now the lairy little blue bastard wants to charge £4.75 for a birthday card. No mate.
12. Weekly food shoppers in petrol stations. Not the time. Not the place.
13. Dirty hair. It smells. It’s wrong.
14. Gym flaunters. Yes your breasts are enormous, and real. But please put them back in your bra before checking your phone/combing your hair/tying your shoes.
15. Tess Daly. Leave. Now.
16. People that drink halves. Yawn.
17. American Tan tights. Yack.
18. Toeless tights. Double Yack.
19. 10 denier (we can see your stubbled legs) tights. Yack everywhere.
20. The fact that no shop will ever really be Woolworths. The Pick’n’Mix and a CD single days are over.
21. The fact that I’m not married to either Ant or Dec.
22. Relationshiped people that ask single people ‘ So, is there really no-one around at the moment?’ No, no there’s not. Please stop looking at me like I’ve just lost a grandparent. The sympathy eyes make me want to never see you again.
23. High Fives. I’m not in an American sitcom. I’m at work. And this is just inappropriate.
24. People that use the last of the loo roll and don’t replenish. Cheers.
25. Those guys that insist on standing on the left hand side of a tube escalator. Follow the rules goddamit.
26. The fact that Mr Vegas stopped making music. Why? WHY?
27. How calorific ‘going for a drink’ can be.
28. The Germ Blame Culture. ‘Ooooh, you’ve given me that cold of yours’. What cold would that be? The COMMON one? That you probably contracted from one of the 20,000 people you commuted into work with today on the enclosed, unventilated tube? Or from the 70 handles/doors/buttons you came into contact in before 9am? Please.
29. The fact that I’ve still never won the Lottery. Despite rarely playing it.
30. Waking up on a Wednesday morning, convinced it’s Saturday. Pass. The. Hammer.
Now….what are yours?
picture courtesy of proseandhistory.com